Have a sex or relationship question? Ask Rachel about it using the form below or email askrachel@telegraph.co.uk
Dear Rachel
I recently noticed that several pairs of my quite expensive underwear have gone missing. They were not in the laundry basket, my knicker drawer or left in the washing machine. I mentioned it to a friend who asked if any male friends or workmen had been in the house recently, suggesting that some men get a kick from stealing intimate items of clothing. I decided to lay a trap, so I bought a similar pair and left them strategically placed in the laundry basket.
My detective work was almost immediately successful but, unfortunately, it highlighted the culprit as my husband. I searched the house to no avail but eventually found a hoard of more than twenty pairs in a box in the shed – together with some stockings and tights, highlighting that this has obviously been going on for many years. Without going into any unnecessary detail, I can say that he has definitely been wearing/using them!
Naturally, I am somewhat upset and more than a little perturbed by this discovery. We have been married for 24 years and are truly best friends. We have two grown-up children with their own families and, although intimacy did dry up some years ago, we enjoyed a regular sex life both before and after getting married. My husband never mentioned or showed any fetish for underwear so I am wondering how and why this compulsion developed.
To be frank, I am more upset by the subterfuge and lack of honesty than I am by any sexual gratification he gains from his habit. Had he told me of his interests, I would gladly have helped him enjoy whatever it is he gets from my underwear. But, as you can imagine, it’s a difficult thing to discuss, even with someone I thought I knew so well.
Do you think it is best if I just let him continue with his obsession or is it worth risking challenging him and maybe using the experience to rekindle his interest in sex with me – rather than just my underwear?
– Anon
Dear Anon,
Thank you for your interesting letter with its wealth of telling detail, all of which I have kept in. I’m assuming you are in your Sixties or so (you have grandchildren) so might I start by applauding your maintenance of such high standards when it comes to underclothes – as many of my readers will reel at the revelation that you invest in “pairs” of expensive underwear.
As my own tastes trend to the sporty, I don’t know whether “pairs” means “bra and pantie sets” – or just merely saucy knickers. But the fact remains that your husband has a penchant for pinching them and prancing around in them, presumably to indulge his own autoerotic fantasies. Put simply, he fancies himself in your scanties.
Also, he does this furtively behind your back, which is surely an added part of the kick (for him, not you, I must emphasise). As fetishes go, I think this one is fairly common. If you think about it, nobody bats an eyelid when a woman goes to a Black Tie do in a tux, or wears brogues, or sleeps in a pair of boxers. Yet when a man wants to express his, er, feminine side and perhaps browses the Debenhams’ Autumn Nights or Winter Luxe ranges for some lacy teddies (occasionally ordering a delivery for his private collection), it’s a Secret Kink. Or not so secret.
I’ve just been told about one otherwise unexceptional English couple where the groom, on his wedding night, produced two sheer filmy negligées. “For me?” the bride said, blushing. “And one for me,” the groom replied. The union lasted six months.
There is a double standard, sort of, in that women have much more latitude than men in what their sartorial choices can be. Is it any surprise then, that some men find it titillating to dress up as a 70s lingerie catalogue model in secret? Not particularly – except, of course, when it’s your husband, who has always seemed like a common-or-garden normie, which brings us to the question at hand.
If you love him and aren’t repulsed by the idea of him in a “crotchless lace bodysuit” for example (a big if) then why don’t you buy him some expensive underwear just for him, so he doesn’t have to steal and soil yours and hide them in his dank man-shed? Array them on his side of the king size Sleepeezee just before he comes up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire.
When his gaze falls on them, he will know you know and you can take it from there.
Disclaimer: The copyright of this article belongs to the original author. Reposting this article is solely for the purpose of information dissemination and does not constitute any investment advice. If there is any infringement, please contact us immediately. We will make corrections or deletions as necessary. Thank you.
